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Literature Text
It's like I'm two different people, the person I am in front of others and the person I am when I'm alone. I hate them both.
So does that mean that neither of them is the "real me" ?
I used to believe that although nobody knows me that at least I know who I am. Knowing certain things about myself and having that control is something that I value more than my life.
But now I'm thinking that it doesn't matter...I've lived my life with an almost arrogant awareness of myself, but even the thought of letting that go makes me sick.
Why would anyone want to unleash a monster into the world, isn't it easier just to pretend?
Truth be told I'm more scared of myself then I'd like to admit. Scared of losing myself, scared of hurting people, scared of changing, scared of failing.... This holds me back.
So I ask myself, what if the reason I can't decide who I am is because I don't know yet? Is it possible that I actually don't know myself as well as I thought? Is this confusion that is really fucking frustrating by the way...is it nature's way of telling me that it doesn't have to be option A or option B...that the options are actually limitless?
So does that mean that neither of them is the "real me" ?
I used to believe that although nobody knows me that at least I know who I am. Knowing certain things about myself and having that control is something that I value more than my life.
But now I'm thinking that it doesn't matter...I've lived my life with an almost arrogant awareness of myself, but even the thought of letting that go makes me sick.
Why would anyone want to unleash a monster into the world, isn't it easier just to pretend?
Truth be told I'm more scared of myself then I'd like to admit. Scared of losing myself, scared of hurting people, scared of changing, scared of failing.... This holds me back.
So I ask myself, what if the reason I can't decide who I am is because I don't know yet? Is it possible that I actually don't know myself as well as I thought? Is this confusion that is really fucking frustrating by the way...is it nature's way of telling me that it doesn't have to be option A or option B...that the options are actually limitless?
Not sure how much sense this will make to other people... its just me writing down a few of my confusing thoughts. Hence why I wont take offense is someone is like wtf is this about? cause I dont even know. 
Thanks to anyone who read it!
Thanks to anyone who read it!
© 2010 - 2024 ilovekakashi28
Comments57
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The funny thing is, I DO understand it and I understand where your coming from ...
I'm so scared of letting my true intention slide through - Of unleashing the hatred that has built up inside me over the years. So I wear a mask, and put a mask over that mask, and continue on with this pattern until I dont even know the true mask I'm wearing.
I've hidden myself so well, I dont even know who I am anymore.
I know theres an autistic side of me. A child ... SOmeone so begingly trying to get out but doesn't like to because the world is such a scary place - and all she really wants is a mother figure. No, no one can see the vulnerability that is that side ...
But there is one ... Actually, I've let ONE person see that side of me ... IN fact, hell, she knew I was autistic before I let her onto the fact
I'm so scared of letting my true intention slide through - Of unleashing the hatred that has built up inside me over the years. So I wear a mask, and put a mask over that mask, and continue on with this pattern until I dont even know the true mask I'm wearing.
I've hidden myself so well, I dont even know who I am anymore.
I know theres an autistic side of me. A child ... SOmeone so begingly trying to get out but doesn't like to because the world is such a scary place - and all she really wants is a mother figure. No, no one can see the vulnerability that is that side ...
But there is one ... Actually, I've let ONE person see that side of me ... IN fact, hell, she knew I was autistic before I let her onto the fact